Boobs, Camel Toes And Toothbrushes

My entire life I have had perfect health and eyesight. Well, in one eye anyway.

Then I got old and stuff started breaking and falling off. Just like an old used car.

One day you hop in and tool around town with cold A/C and a crisp clear stereo. The next day you get in and the headliner falls down and covers your face and you have to pin it back up with the toothpicks you have collected from Wayne's Drive Inn. One headlight burns out and the other points strangely to the right and the radio tuner is stuck on AM while the CD player makes a gnawing sound when you try to insert a disc.

First it was the diabetes, then the lower back pain, then the knees that don't work if your hips are lower than your knees. And this was all in one morning last July... Not really but it seemed that way.

A year or so ago I noted that I could no longer see the color of wires under the dash of a vehicle. In all honesty I couldn't actually even see the individual wires at all, only a mish mash of colorful spaghetti. Then I noticed a couple weeks ago that I was having to hold printed material two feet or more away from my eyes in order to be able to see it clearly.

If you couple the "sudden" loss of vision with the diabetes and stir it with an article in the local paper about hemorrhages in the retina caused by diabetes and subsequent irreversible vision loss, you end up with me making an appointment with my ophthalmologist. I did this because when you take away all the secondary reasons to have good sight like reading , driving and aiming a pistol you expose the foundation of good eyesight. Boobs.

I think that would make a great commercial for any eye care product or Ocular Physician, a sea of boobs harnessed by low cut sweaters passing a fixed camera then cut to black or murky, blurry gray with a voiceover that says, "Which would you prefer?".

So with boobs as an incentive I made my appointment for last Tuesday. Monday came and I got a phone call for my Dr's office changing my appointment to some yet to be determined day and time in the future (when they would call me) because the Dr. had suffered a family tragedy (involving his brother as near as I can tell).

I thought about this for a while... appointment = boobs.... no appointment = no boobs. It didn't take more than a couple minutes till I was calling back to see if there was another Dr taking appointment for Tuesday in his office. Yes there was. Score one for boobs.

I drove to Oklahoma City and got to the Dr's office just before my appointment time. I was lead to a dark room and attended to by a technician who did all the mundane stuff that doctors are too busy to do which included putting in the drops to dilate my pupil so the bright light would be even brighter. About 15 minutes after they were sure my pupils were sufficiently paralyzed I was then introduced to "Dr. So And So" who was a woman and it sounded like she was maybe foreign. You see it was pretty dark in there and when it gets dark I don't hear so good. No really, because I can't read lips in the dark. It seem I use a combination of poor hearing and poor lip reading to communicate and with one of those missing I was only sure that the doctor had boobs and she sounded Swedish. I guess the doctor could have been a Finnish transvestite but I don't think so.

After a thorough examination the Dr concluded that the good news was that I had no visual issues that were connected to my diabetes. The bad news on the other hand was that my vision problems were directly connected to my age.  In other words, my headliner fell down and is obscuring my vision. "Get some reading glasses.", was the directive from the Doc.

My next stop during my visit to OKC was to get a picture of a little known addition to the donut family that is sold at a donut shop north of the airport. It is called a Camel Toe donut. It is a cousin to the Bear Claw donut. A Bear Claw had five (sometimes four) "toes" as seen below.

IMG_0479
 

Whereas the elusive Camel Toe looks similar to the next photo.

IMG_0479a

I had to doctor the original photo to illustrate the Camel Toe donut because by the time I made it across Oklahoma City, seeing only blurs of cars and signs the shop was closed. I attempted to take a photo through the window but my auto focus didn't like the tinted plate glass window and there was no way I could use the manual focus since I couldn't even see the speedometer of my truck. I will get a picture of the real Camel Toe someday.

I left the donut shop and drove back to Lawton with a quick stop at Wally World before home to pick up some reading glasses, a tooth brush and my high blood pressure meds. How old am I that I'm buying reading glasses and high blood pressure meds at the same time?

I couldn't even test the reading glasses since my pupils were still twice normal size. I just picked up the power the Dr. had told me about. I then went to the toothbrush isle. I try finding the proper toothbrush without the ability to focus. I could see the shape of the brush but couldn't tell the difference between the hardness levels. So I found a lady stocking shelves in what smelled like the feminine hygiene isle and ask if she could help me since I couldn't see.

She happily agreed. Well, I think she was happy, at least she didn't shank me or anything. We arrived back at the toothbrush section and she asked what type brush I needed. As usual I never even thought before I spoke and I replied, "I would really like a hard one." After only a slight pause I heard a female voice, coming from a blurry body mid way up the isle, say quietly under her breath, "You're not the only one."

The stock clerk explained that the only options available were soft and medium. I opted for the medium.

So there I stood in Wally World blood pressure meds and reading glasses in hand after being told I can't have a hard one and must settle for a medium. What the hell...

Posted by Randy at Wednesday, November 25, 2009 11:05 AM
Categories: uncategorized
 

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